My Fear of Marriage

If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I promote marriage. I encourage it and speak out against those who dedicate their efforts to discourage others from taking such a fulfilling step closer to Allah. Since the Ramadan of 2005, I’ve been heavily campaigning for marriage, jumping from one circle of brothers to another, beautifying the idea of fulfilling half the deen.

The irony of my situation lies in the mere fact that, while I promote and encourage others to take this huge step closer to Allah, I have yet to act upon my own words. There seems to be a contradiction. I preach one thing while my actions show no support.

Which reminds of a story in the life time of Imam Maliik (in some narrations, it has been mentioned that this actually happened to Al-Hasan Al-Basri). There were many slaves that were under the care of the Muslims and so the leaders of his city asked Imam Maliik to speak about the reward of freeing a slave for the sake of Allah in his Friday Khutbah. So Imam Maliik agreed to encourage the believers to free their slaves, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, in one of his near future talks.

However, weeks pasted and Imam Maliik hadn’t mentioned the benefits of freeing the slave. So after many weeks, the leaders wanted to re-approach the Imam and remind him of their agreement.

But before such a meeting could occur, the Imam stood on the pulpit and dedicated his talk to freeing the slave. After the khutbah, many Muslims were so moved by his words that they started to free their slaves and the affects of his speech became apparent. Soon afterwards, the leaders approached Imam Maliik and inquired about the delay regarding the topic. The Imam stated that he didn’t own a slave to free so he disliked encouraging others while he, himself was unable to fulfill such words. So after gathering some wealth and purchasing a slave, he set him free. There after, the Imam stood on the pulpit and encouraged others to follow his actions. Due to his sincerity and the execution of his words, the fruits of his preaching became widespread in the community.

From this story, I learned so many lessons and among them, act upon what you preach.

However, with marriage its a little complicated so let me explain.

Some time ago, I was confused as to why I preach marriage and yet become so hesitant to fulfill such a step. Night after night, I would lay in my bed and reflect over my deepest feelings and beliefs towards the subject. I wouldn’t accept such answers as, “I’m still looking for that Ideal Muslimah so until I find her, I’m doing me”. Such an answer was too politically correct and if I was to accept it as an excuse, I wouldn’t be able to get to the root of my problem regarding marriage. Months literally passed and still, I had no answers as to why I was delaying marriage. Until one night, I allowed my soul to fully open up to me and through  that process I discovered the root of my problem. It made complete sense. It was not an excuse but it was the truth.

For the record, I believe marriage to be a means of success. Moreover, it is a vital step to protecting our iman and increasing our status in the sight of Allah. In addition to those points, I am shy to mention that zina is rampant in our communities. InshAllah I intend to shad some light on the issue of zina amongst the young generation of brothers because ignoring such problems wont lead to a solution. However such a topic is sensitive so I will carefully review my ideas and facts before posting on the subject.

As I was saying before I got side tracked with my next post, my discovery as to why I have been delaying marriage is acceptable? Well before it could be acceptable, let me share the reason.

The reason I’m delaying marriage is because I’m afraid of taking a woman under my responsibility. When I say responsibility, I don’t mean for dunya reasons. As for dunya matters, I can handle that responsibility inshAllah. My fear lies in the fact that I would become responsible for her akhira as she would have a huge impact on my status before Allah. The foundation of my fear of marriage is akhira and not the life of this world. I worry that my wife under my care, will become weak and lazy towards her duties to Allah. While I stand to her side encouraging her, day and night, but my words of support don’t lead to righteous actions. Mean time, what if Allah caused my heart to grow in love and fear of Him while my wife, the woman I took as a responsibility, falls behind in her worship. Regardless whether she would be in a strong state of iman or fighting to perform her five daily prayers on time, I could never (and I mean never) leave her behind. And how could I leave her behind when I accepted her as a responsibility. When I stood in front of her father like a man and looked him in the eyes, promising him that I would forever be committed to his daughter. That I would never abandon her, whether we get tested with poverty or illness, she will always be my wife and I would be to her a protector, a provider and the companion who shall accompany her on the long journey to meet Allah.  

Through marriage, I would forever remain committed to her and for that reason, I fear my passion to fulfill a commitment will destroy me.

Does the reason I stated above make any sense? Maybe the English language doesn’t bring justice to the situation I described above.

Honestly, as for dunya, I really don’t spend too much time stressing myself over this life. And why should I burden myself with stress when my risq has already been written and the moment of my departure from this world is but recorded?

Some time ago, a sister got into contact with me and stated her interest in marriage. She was shy to take such a step initally but I comforted her with kind words. Her bravery was impressive and she reminded me of those women who used to support the Messenger of Allah (saw) during his battles and so accepted her invitation to get to know each other for marriage reasons. Thereafter the correct individuals were notified and the process began. In one of our conversations in getting to know each other, she asked me a tricky question. She said, “is there anything that you would like to tell me or ask me?” I was amazed at the question due to the fact that in college, I took a class called Interviewing and Investigations which taught me all about open-ended questions and her question was living proof of the examples my professors would describe to us. However I couldn’t recall the methods on how to escape from such questions that the professors taught us, so instead I answered it with sincerity and requested something from her. She inquired about my request and I said to her, “If it turns out that we should marry and only Allah knows, could you do me a favor?” She responded, “sure, what is it that you request?” I said, “If we get married, I promise you one thing and I ask of you one-thing”. So I continued, “I promise you that I will forever be committed to you. I will assist you and support you. Regardless of prosperity or adversity, I will be your companion in this world and in the next”

Now that was the promise I made her but such a promise needs a condition. So I continued and stated my request. I said to her, “I ask you for one thing in return. I ask for your assistance in my entrance into Junnah”

In other words, I would strive and pull down the greatest mountains with my bare hands if need be, in exchange, all I wanted from her was to be reminded of Allah and some encouragement to DO MORE  righteous acts, in order for my worship to reach that next level. In the end, I fear I’ll end up married to a sister who is so occupied with this world, it would not only destroy her, but also our children.

And Allah knows best

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22 Responses

  1. Asalamu Alikum warahamutulahi wabarakatuh

    May Allah protect your iman and keep your heart firm on His deen.

    Ps. I wish Allah places men like you in where I reside.

  2. Wa salaam and Aameen to your dou’aas.

    Believe it or not, they’re greater men in your place of residence than myself.

    May Allah grant you the best of both worlds.

  3. Salaam,

    Interesting read, however, i wanted to remind you that you will not be held accountable for her lack of deen. If you perform your duties and always remember to encourage her and motivate her then that is what you are responsible for.

    So let that not be a reason to delay such a righteous act that will complete half of your deen.
    Let not Shitan’s whispers get through.
    — Face your fears becuase success lies within–

  4. Interesting read, however, i wanted to remind you that you will not be held accountable for her lack of deen. If you perform your duties and always remember to encourage her and motivate her then that is what you are responsible for.

    So let that not be a reason to delay such a righteous act that will complete half of your deen.
    Let not Shitan’s whispers get through.
    — Face your fears becuase success lies within–

  5. May Allah swt bless you with the one you seek to be your companion in life and the hereafter 🙂

  6. Unknown, Aameen to your dou’aa.

    Your words are true. It would only be my duty as a husband to encourage her to come closer to Allah. If she refuses, so have the women before her. But than again, who am I kidding. I cant leave her behind but alhamdulilah Im coming to terms with the reality of marriage.

    Besides Nuh (AS) and Lut (As) who hold a high status with Allah were married to women that Allah left to go astray. And they dealt with that problem so who am I to use this point as an excuse?

  7. exaclty! so fear no more. InshAllah soon we will hear your success story about marriage… who knows maybe it’ll be that sis you liked, you did make such a profound promise to her: “I promise you that I will forever be committed to you. I will assist you and support you. Regardless of prosperity or adversity, I will be your companion in this world and in the next”

  8. The day I get married is the day my Poetic Justice is complete.

    Because after that day, it will no longer be MY poetic justice so I’ll have to start another page, for another stage of my life, in a different book.

    By the way, I didnt say I liked the sister cause I didnt even know her. Besides, the promise I made her is the same promise I would make any woman that Allah will’s for me to marry.

    A promise to stay true, fight hard and leave this world while we both on a high note.

  9. Your fear is a legitimate one…to a certain extent. It’s okay to be worried about the unknown, but don’t let it hold you back. Keep in mind that our Iman isn’t always stable or stagnant and goes through it’s ups and downs. There are sisters out there who love Allah and His Messenger, are passionate about the deen. If these things are present, your worries should be limited. That kind of sister will need the occassional encouragement and reminder but at the end of the day she’s the one will be asked about her own actions and judged accordingly.

    Perhaps now you have to refine your criteria for what kind of sister you’re looking for…but no need to fear the unknown!

    and Allah knows best..

  10. Assalam Muslimah,

    You’re right about our iman experiencing the ups and downs and that right there was my concern. What I mean is, when Im on a high and she’s on a low…I got stay with her and help. Likeswise, when she’s on a high and Im on a low, I hope she would do the same. But there is never a guarantee our efforts will lead to success and thats when we have to place our trust in Allah. Thats fine and Im gowing to accept that as part of life.

    If you wanna know something about brothers than let me tell you this, YES we need to refine our criteria in order for it to come back down to reality.

    We want perfection, when we’re not perfect. We want a “pious Muslimah” when we not pious ourselves and the list can continue. The change starts within ourselves and Allah knows best.

  11. hummm… Allah yesamhak.
    May perfection be granted to you.

  12. ^^^May Allah have mercy on you.

    Perfection is far from what I deserve.

    More like a sister who prays five times a day and fasts during Ramadan, pays her zakat and doesn’t *coughs* nag *smiles*

  13. Asalamu Alikum

    Brother Ameen,

    Since you mentioned your Ideal Muslimah, will you allow me to shed some light on the Ideal husband?

    Here goes. Has a beard, is known for his good manners, his life is based upon al-Quranal kareem and the Sunnah of habibullah sallal lahu alayhi wasalam. He prays five times a day at the masjid, buys gifts for his wife, helps out in the house and does not view taking care of his kids as a ‘favor for his wife’. Takes his wife out (which would indicate his down to earth side), by seeing him you’ll remember Allah and ankirah and look forward to meeting Allah together. He knows what his wife is thinking just by looking at her, takes his wife to Islamic events, and plays games with her. Never allows his wife to step out of the house if dressed inappropriately (in my case niqab, my passion). Last but not least has a very very STRONG imaan.

    That’s my Ideal husband, sisters are you with me.

  14. ^^^Thats a perfect brother right there. MashAllah, let me know if you find him.

    As for the rest of us brothers, we got some of those traits you listed but the rest is still in the developing mode. The question is, will the sister be patient enough with us, while we transform into that “Ideal Husband”.

    I guess, we shall find out someday inshAllah

    Ma’salaam

  15. Asalamu Alaikum
    just curious, did things work out into a happy ending for you and that sister
    May Allah reward you both

  16. Is that really a perfect brother? I guess when I think of a husband I think sahaba like. I once heard imam Anwar say a person who connects dunya affairs to ankirah is a good sign because it shows his love for Allah. Also the fact that he is NOT attached to dunya. Nowadays, alhamdulilah were seeing more and more Muslims having such a mentality.

    One of my favorite Hadith’s about a believer is “Amazing is the affair of a mu’min, when hardship comes his way he is patient and when he is given a blessing he is thankful.” I paraphrased it but wallahi this Hadith should be the logo of every Muslims life, there would be no stress or depression in the world.

    May Allah bring up a generation that lives and breathes Quran and resembles the best generation that was placed on earth. Ameen

  17. Ayah, Im not married and I never was…hope that answered your question.

    Hidaaya, I love Anwar and his style. I think Ive listened to everything from his collection and news around the world suggests that he’s been released from prison. May Allah reward him much and grant him a place in paradise (Aameen).

  18. Allahumma ya Aameen! May Allah grant Imam Anwar the highest position in jannah next to Rasolulah (saw). I did not know the meaning of ‘islam’ 2-3yrs ago, subhan’Allah Allah has sent imam anwar as a source of guidance for me. His lectures subhan’Allah, no words can capture the way they changed my life.

    *I always check cageprisoners.com to see if his picture is still up, they tell you there whose released and whose not*

  19. Cageprisoners has reported that Imam Anwar has been freed…just thought I’d share that.

  20. ALHAMDULILAH!!! I just saw it MASHA’ALLAH!!

    Sorry, ameen for going off topic, but this is news that MUST be shared!

  21. http://www.cageprisoners.com/campaigns.php?id=630

  22. Hidaaya i think Imam Anwar was sent as a source of guidance for me as well!!

    As for the BrotherAmeen
    I wasnt sure when i read this a couple days ago, but after talking to my older brother yesterday he would have wished to be more like you before he got married. Now he is an that awkward and painful situation where we all pray never to be in.

    May Allah Make it Easy for us, but after every hardship their will be ease.

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