I Want To Marry You But Its Your Fault

We’re living in a period of time where the means to find a suitable spouse is difficult. Sisters complain that no decent brothers exist and brothers use that same point as an excuse to delay marriage. In reality, our mindsets and methods to find suitable spouses don’t resemble the marriage sunnah and its simplicity.

The most intelligent person from amongst us may realize that we’ve been decieved in searching for spouses who possess qualities that are through the roof. What do we really want? Perfection? Well, that doesn’t exist. To sum up all of the “I want my potential to have list”, there is a common ground shared between them all. Although some sisters may have pages and pages of qualities for a potential spouse, in reality, all a sister wants is a brother who can lead her family into paradise. Likewise, all a brother wants is a sister who addresses him with respect and covers herself. That’s basically the “I want my potential to have list” without all the sugar and icing covering the foundation of the cake.

In stating that point, we’re also living in a period of history where our women have been forced to take matters into their own hands. The traditional “Hey mama, can you help me find a suitable spouse” method has become something of the past. Not to mention, the men who possessed the courage to knock on a potential’s door seeking her in a lawful matter have directed their focus on establishing themselves with worldly gain. It’s hardly acceptable for a decent brother who may be in his third year of university, pursuing realistic goals and has established a connection with his Lord, to approach a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. The conversation would start and end something like this…

Father: So Ahmed, what do you do for a living?

Ahmed: At the moment, I’m completing my third year of university 

Father: University? And what do you study?

Ahmed: I’m in the Criminal Justice program

Father: Criminal Justice?…what are you trying to be, A POLICEMAN! Do you speak Arabic, Ahmed? Maybe you’ve been recruited to join CSIS?

Ahmed: Thats not necessarily the path or intention I seek, sir. In fact, I’ve already taken internship at Pearson International and inshAllah upon completing my program, I’ve been offered a position to become a Custom officer…but my passion is to join the Immigration field and so I can help Muslim families who are immigrating over here.

Father: So let me get this right, you’re in school and you want my daughter’s hand in marriage?

Ahmed: Yes, you’re correct. I attend school full time and I work full time. I have goals that are realistic and accomplish-able. But most of all, my trust in this life and in the next lies with Allah and He is the best of providers.

Father: Ahmed, you seem like a good boy so why don’t you come back when you’re finished university and we will continue this conversation…

That is a realistic conversation. Back in the days, marriage was easy, however in our present day, it has been wrapped with the cloth of politics and the deceptions of the worldly life. It is probably safe to admit the whole purpose behind getting married has been forgotten. And just in case you’ve forgotten the foundation as to why someone should get married, than feel free to take my “Hello, have we forgotten” quiz down below.

1) Have we not been created to worship Allah (alone)? No/Yes. 

2) Has Allah not created everything in pairs, including mankind? No/Yes. 

3) Has not our risq been written and sealed 50,000 years before Allah started the creation?No/Yes

4) Are we foolish to think that we have anything or something to do with our increase of wealth?No/Yes.

5) Do we just like to complain and do nothing about our current situation? No/Yes.

6) Why is everyone around me stressing marriage? Is it really that important? No/Yes 

Thank for taking my “Hello, have we forgotten” quiz and just in case you didnt know the answers, all the correct answers were YES! 

Well I originally wanted to name this post, “I want to marry you but its your fault” and looking at the title, I proceeded with that heading. However, after collecting the data from some of the brothers I decided to take the contents within the post in a different direction. 

From what I’ve gathered, some of the brotherly complaints can be summed up with one sentence and that is…”sisters, please get on the same page as your family before you ask me to approach them”

In other words, a sister may know a decent brother who (alhamdulilah) practices the religion to the best of his abilities. They may attend the same college and share a few classes. Through observing his behaviour and character she realizes that this brother is a suitable/potential spouse and would like to start the process of getting to know each other for marriage because it seems like he will never make the first move. Some may wonder, why are the sisters the ones initiating the process of marriage? Why are they the ones reaching out to a potential brother and why isn’t it the other way around? I have to admit, those are all good questions and the answer is not simple.

For one, a brother may have too much pressure being placed on him (not to say that a sister doesn’t). Pressure that is directed towards establishing himself in the worldly sense. It has been drilled into the heads of our men that getting “established” will make everything easy. Including finding that Ideal Muslimah. But any person with some level of knowledge may recall many incidences with the companions of the Messenger (saw) and their struggle to place food on the table for their families. That same person may also realize, how imam shined bright from the responses of the women from that time. Both the men and women from that period of time understood that everything was within the powers of Allah. I mean everything. Including wealth, risq, victory, defeat, love, hate, prosperity and adversity. That generation came to terms with the fact that any hardship experienced was but a test that can translate into blessings.

The funny thing about our situation is, we claim that we are the followers of the companions of the Messenger of Allah but we cant even place our trust in Allah when it comes to something such as marriage. Just remember, every individual throughout history stood as you stand and claimed something. Your claims are no different from theirs. Thats right, no different. Unless of course, your claims are supported with positive action. Action that is directed for the sake of Allah. 

The only reason I bring the issue of sisters addressing their families and gaining their support to life is because, it is an issue that needs to be addressed. I’m probably not the right person to bring this topic to life but somebody needs to. In addition, I’m a brother and I can also relate to their frustration regarding this whole matter.

In conclusion, all a brother really wants is to be given a decent chance to marry the sister who will assist him in his quest to acquire Junnah. Again, all a brother wants is for “the sister of his dreams” to approach her family and gain their support for her marriage. There is no point for a sister to proclaim her interests of marriage when her father doesn’t approve of such desires. If your father says, “wait until you finish your university/college before you discuss the issue of marriage with me”, than do yourself a favor and conceal your desires to get married until your father approves or Allah provides for you another way out. Either way, take your case to the court of Allah via the night prayer. 

Just remember that your intentions and love for marriage may be for the sake of Allah but without your wali’s approval, your marriage will forever be void. So sit with your fathers and seeks their approvals and when the news comes that you’ve succeed, we will be ready (inshAllah) to approach your fathers and seek your hands in marriage.

May Allah be with us. 

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13 Responses

  1. Bismillah,

    Brother Ameen, not all sisters are the same. I think your generalizing all sisters. There are some sisters who desire Allah and Jannah only and thus base their decision on that, while others may desire the same but at the same time want the adornment of dunya along with it. It really depends on the imaan of the sister we can’t ALL be the same. Some sisters ‘YES’ have in mind some qualities of a good husband and they base this according to the level of their imaan.

    I know of sisters who would say ‘yes’ to any brother who asks them for marriage while others would say ‘no’ because they do not want just any brother but someone who is on the same level of imaan with them if not higher. Some of us are just scared to marry any brother just because he wants to marry you am sorry but does not cut it. Yes, I know the status of marriage in Islam but did not Rasolulah salalahu alayhi wasalam say marry only those who have a good understanding of the deen and with good manners.

    Believe me it’s not the easiest thing to find such a brother who possess both qualities in our time. All a sister really wants is a brother who knows where he stands before Allah and has good aqlaq and Insha’Allah the rest will follow bi’itnillah. It really shouldn’t matter what degree or school he went to, personally the first thing I would ask the bother is ‘How’s your relationship with Allah and base my decision from there. Just believe if you put your tawwakul in Allah than sufficient for you is Allah and best disposer of affairs. Wallahu ta’Ala a3lam

    *Sorry, didn’t mean for it to be that long*

  2. Assalam alaikum Hidaaya

    Dont worry about the long post. I read every word from every comment, so your long post just gave me more to read.

    Anyways, I understand that all sisters cant be the same and nor can all brothers be the same. I just tried to use general words trying to get across a general point, presented to me from some brothers. I fully agree with you about your comments regarding sisters and their preferences.

    You’re a sister and you know better.

    Look forward to reading more of your comments in my furture post inshAllah.

    Ma’salaam

  3. ” In conclusion, all a brother really wants is to be given a decent chance to marry the sister who will assist him in his quest to acquire Junnah.”

    “So sit with your fathers and seeks their approvals and when the news comes that you’ve succeed, we will be ready (inshAllah) to approach your fathers and seek your hands in marriage.”

    So it’s the sisters fault for not being on the same page as her parents?

    Alright, so lets say the sisters did do all of the above and the approval was given. Then the brothers take their word back and turn out not to be ready as opposed to what they informed us before. Who’s fault is it then?

  4. Thats easy, it’s the brothers fault.

  5. Jazakallahu khar for giving us some insight to the struggles that brother face, I can understand how daunting it can be- all of us just need to use hikmah when approaching our families and place our tawakal in Allah. manshallah brother allah swt has given you a gift – im just luving your blog keep up the good work.

  6. Oh really? alright well i think you have the title for your next post? I mean after all isn’t this poetic ‘justice?’ 🙂

  7. What exactly do you want me to write about?
    How some men go back of their words?
    Well, I wish I could fulfill your request but those situations should be discussed on a “case to case” basis and plus, it would really be hard for me to write it in a general format.

    Ma’salaam

  8. It is certainly not why ‘men go back on their word’ that is dependent on the individual and it definitely cannot be generalized as you mentioned.

    You are a writer and it’s not befitting for me to tell you what to write about. Hence, I shall leave it to the writers mind.

  9. Thanks alot sis but ME be NO writer.

    See, I cant even write a proper sentence.

  10. Assalamualaaikum yagfirullahi lana walakum!

    First of all I thank our rabb who guided me to your blog and made me read few postings(this one and “when i met my wife in jannah” which has increased my knowledge,strengthend my faith,moved my soul n heart,uplifted my spirit,enlightened my dreams and made me your blog’s fan in the very first visit..alhumdulillahi kaseera.

    …Ya rabbi how can I thank you when the tauweeq of this thank is also given by you…

    I would like to admit that ur blog is one of the few ones which makes its readers to visit it again n again just like honey bee…..Allah ta’la has bestowed u with much goodness.

    I pray that may Allah make this blog fruitful for the readers..a’ameen

  11. ^^^Jazakullah for the kind words.

    Truly, any ability that I have and any good that is a result of it, that is from Allah.

    I’ll be the first to say, I deserve no share for the credit of anything positive I do, for all of the credit is due to Allah.

    I just hope inshAllah that Allah, the Majestic and Most High, grants me the ability to write more so I can benefit for myself and the readers can also benefit.

    Please make dou’aa for me and my parents and the believers

  12. you’ve summed it all up. everything you’ve said is so true.
    well, i dont think i have such an extensive list but the matter about the parents outlook on life.

    I should be doing some work on ibuprofen at the moment, but i’ve just discovered this blog and can see myself reading every post made. lol

  13. Well welcome to the blog, and by the time you done reading everything I’ve written, I’ve already checked out yours.

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