Archive for January, 2008

For The Love of the Game
January 7, 2008

The common misunderstanding between a sport loving husband and the attention seeking wife can occur at any given moment. But since its the NFL playoff season, I had an extra few married homeboys, call to inquire whether they could “come over” because (as they like to say…) “you know, you know…”. I decided since it seems to me that they want to come over to my “wife-less” environment, in order to watch the big game in peace, I would share an episode of a situation that is relevant to theirs. An episode from the life of a sport-fanatic husband and the “I need you right NOW” wife.

The wife returns home from visiting a friend and she can not wait until she arrives home, to inform her husband about the new “community project” her and some sisters have decided to pursue. 

Lets pick up the screen from the wife walking into the house while her husband is watching the fourth quarter of a 17-17 NFL playoff game. 

Wife:Assalam alaikum…(no response back, she repeats herself and says)Assalam alaikum, is anyone home? (as she takes off her shoes and hangs her coat)

(Still no response. She decides to walk further into their apartment and she spots her husband sitting two feet away from the television, with his eyes glued to the screen)

Wife:Baby, didn’t you hear me saying Assalam alaikum..?

 (Husband hears some unusual noise, glances over to his left and notices his wife standing in their living room)

Husband: Hey you, when did you get home? I thought you were out visiting some friends? (his words reaching her ears as his eyes are still focued on the television screen)

Wife:I’ve been saying assalam alaikum ever since I got home. Didn’t you hear me…?

Husband:Wa alaikum assalam. I didn’t hear you come in. I just looked over at your direction and saw you standing there. But baby come here and look at this…(he points to the television screen) its 17-17 with 5:36 seconds left in the game and my favourite team, The New York Giants are on the 11 yard line and their about to score a HUGE touchdown. Can you smell that…? Can you..?

Wife: Smell what?

Husband: That’s the smell of a win…a playoff WIN.

Wife: Oh. Listen baby, I have some good news. Me and some sister, we’ve decided that…

Husband: That’s great. I’m so happy for you and the sisters. (He obviously didn’t hear a word she said…)

(So the wife trying to get his attention walks closer to the television until she finds herself standing next to the screen. She tries again, to deliever her good news)

Wife: As I was saying before you cut me off, some sisters and I, we’ve decided to start a new community project. We are gonna start a Feed The Homeless project, isnt that great? And the best apart is…you can help.

Husband:OH NOOOO! NOOOOOOO! I cant believe it.

Wife: Huh? No? Why…I thought you liked stuff like that…

Husband: For the love of the game! Can you believe this…?

Wife: Believe what? What are you talking about…? Don’t tell me that your talking about your game?

Husband:Its not a game. Its a historical playoff moment. By watching this game, I’m joining the ranks of history. Can you imagine our son asking about this exact play, 15 years from now? And just imagine how devastated he would be if I were to answer his question with silence. But look baby, the running back or should I say, Mr. Butter-Fingers, fumbled the ball on the two yard line. I feel like a part of Jannah has just fallen on me.

(The telephone starts to ring…)

Husband:Baby, can you get that. I’m afraid if I get up, I’m gonna miss a huge play and evenually, our son will lose out.

(Wife walks towards the telephone. Picks up the phone and says..)

Wife:Assalam alaikum

Ahmed:Wa alaikum assalam sister, is Mohamed home?

Wife:Yes, just one second inshAllah…

(Her husband screaming in the background about a bad call, she kindly takes the phone to him and says)

Wife: Mohamed, Ahmed is on the phone for you.

Husband: Thanks. (Puts the phone to his ear)Assalam alaikum, State your name and the purpose of this call.

Ahmed: Yo, did you just see how Butter-Finger Jacobs couldn’t even hold on to the ball. He fumbled it. (he starts laughing…) The man is like 6’4, 250 pounds and he cant even hold on to a ball. The Giants suck…

Husband: I know..I know…I almost fainted when the ball fell from his hands.

Ahmed: I told you. The Giants are gonna lose this game.

(The wife standing over her husband, awaiting her chance to reveal some more information about the good news. She says..)

Wife: Mohamed (and gives him a “I’m growing frustrated with you” look)

(Her husband glances over at her and he notices the “look. She normally demonstrates this type of look on her face when she is growing upset with him. Trying to avoid further problems, he says…)

Husband: Yo Ahmed, all your negativity about the Giants isn’t helping my situation at the moment so I’m gonna let you go. I got a meeting with the boss-lady and I cant afford to be late.

Ahmed:Alright homie, boss-lady is gonna kill you if you don’t hang up the ma’salaam

(Husband hangs up the phone and notices his wife standing in front of the television)

Husband: Baby, you had a long day..why don’t you come sit right here on the couch. It would really make me feel nice to have you beside me…

Wife: No thank you.

(husband re-adjusts his positioning to get a better view of the game…but experiences little success)

Husband: Baby, for the sake of Allah can you just move three inches to your right. There is less than two minutes left in the game…

Wife: I’ve rushed home to share some news with you but ever since I got home…you’ve paid little to no attention to me. I’m not moving until you give me five minutes of your time.

(The husband realizes he’s in a tight situation. There is about 1:43 seconds left in the game and his wife is asking for five minutes of his time. The husband starts to do the math [Five minutes minus 1:43 seconds would mean that their conversation would continue for three minutes and fifty seven seconds after the game was complete] The math wasn’t looking too good but than again, he was never good in math. So he says,)

Husband: Five minutes? (trying to get her to move away from the television screen and closer to him, he recalls the solution he had used in the past, to solve such standoffs with his wife. He continues saying…) You only want five minutes of my time? How can that be when I have given you all my life and heart, on the day I married you? You are half my soul and I dont feel complete without you..(he notices movement from her body and he glances behind her. His words were causing her to move with joy and he could actually see the events of the game. He continues…) You are my better half. You are my come to me.

(The wife, comforted through his words, starts to move closer to him. The husband can now see the scoreboard and the clock says less than one minute to play. But before his wife can reach him, she stops. She recalls pervious experiences when ever there would be a big game, he would find the means to walk away from the issue and become a free man. She was determined not to fall victim to the sweetness of his words on this occasion.)

Wife: Baby, you claim you love me right? We both know everyone claims something…so do you truly love me?

(The husband feels a sense of success for his plotting, he turns his body towards her and grants her his undivided attention. Afterall, it was a commercial break.  He says)

Husband: Baby, how can you ask such a question? You know I love you.

Wife: Do you really love me?

Husband: (trying desperately to end the conversation on a positive note before the return of the game, he says…) My mind loves you. My body loves you….(than the voice of the commentator reaches his attention and he starts to stutter. His focus gets redirected towards the game) and my…my…loves you. I love you…(looking at the screen) Look, the Giants are about to score baby. Look…

Wife: Words are cheap. I need some reassurance that you love me…

Husband: Look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. As soon as the game is over, I’ll go outside and buy you the sweetest little card. One that has a fuzzy teddy bear on the cover and some pink roses. I know how much you love roses.

Wife: No. I have something else in mind. If you really love me than you will turn the television off and listen to me.

(His heart almost STOPS. He starts to realize the sensitivity of his situation. He finds himself entertaining some problem solving methods and solutions. Its like words will no longer do the trick. This time he needs something greater.  He thinks to himself, what would the Messenger of Allah (saw) do at this moment?)

Husband: If I really love you…? What does that mean..(trying to present more questions that would occupy his wife until the conclusion of the game)

Wife: Make a decision. And don’t try to distract me with all your questions. If you love me, turn off the television..if not then..well…

Husband: Well…what? I guess, I’ll have to sleep on the couch right?

(The husband reviews his options and decides he better make a good long-term decision. He gets up and starts to walk towards the television. He reaches the television and stretches his hand forward, in order to turn off the digital box right? Wrong. Instead of pressing the off button, he presses the “record” button and turns the television off. His game is still recording and the wife can get her wish.)

Husband: Baby, I would do anything for you. I would turn off the television during the Super Bowl, if you asked. And I would do that and more, for you. Only you.

Wife: Really? Than turn off the digital box.

(Husband shocked that she is aware of his slick move to record the rest of the game, he says…)

Husband: Baby, why do you have to hurt me soo much…WHY? You know how much I love this game…