Goodbye, and Forever!

     Recently I took a trip overseas and despite the great time that I had in Dubai and Djibouti, and the not so great experience with Turkish Airlines, there is one feeling that lives with freshness in my heart till this very day. Until this moment, I’ve never spoken about this matter to any of my friends or family but I thought – since I really need to get it off my chest – I would share it on my blog. In early September, I was in Djibouti and my friends planned to visit the beach in order for us  to relax, although it was Ramadan and we couldn’t really enjoy ourselves fully because we were in a state of fasting. And before I had departed to the beach on that day, a thought popped into my head. Weeks and maybe months leading up to that day, I wanted to take a huge step towards starting a new beginning in life. I wanted – more then anything – to leave the past as is, and focus on the challenges of a bright future (inshAllah). So before I left for the beach, I grapped my 9 completed notebooks – that I’ve been writing poetry in for the last  6 and chain years – that I had titled ‘Poetic Justice’ (which by the way I’ve tried to keep hidden from people and that I wanted to share with my children to be inshAllah) and I placed those notebooks into my school bag which I intended to take with me to the beach. When I got to the beach, and only after I’d spent some time with my friends – joking and catching up on matters pertaining to their lives in general – I had an urge to leave my friends and take some time to myself. I needed to think about some matters. So in the midst of their laughing and playing, I escaped their sight. And I knew I had little time before they would notice my absence so I quickly fled for the shores of the Red Sea and I thought to myself as I approached the water, can this be the same sea that Allah caused to open up for Musa? Was I really walking towards the edge of a sea that destroyed a corrupt nation – Pharoah and his people! As I approached the water, the ayaats from the Quran discussing Musa and Pharoah started to appear. With each step I took, I felt a greater connection to Musa because I knew he went through a lot – dealing with the likes of Pharoah and afterwards, Bani Israel. And I knew with certainty that the Red Sea was rich in history and somewhere deep inside, I wanted to add to that history. Then a thought popped into my mind – why not release years of poetry into the Red Sea?

     At first I thought the idea was somewhat – excuse my french – stupid. Then I realized, after years of writing poetry and fighting hard to keep them out of the reach of the general public – the only way to assure myself that my privacy and poetry never land on the lap of another person – I had to release my Poetic Justice into the Red Sea. See the thing about me is, I’m a very private person and privacy constitutes a major part of my life. Relationships in general go through a roller coaster, and sometimes the great relationship ends badly but the relationship that one has with his soul never ends and I believe those matters – emotions and experiences – experienced by the soul need to be respected and kept private until the day comes when Allah allows you to trust someone to the degree that privacy can no longer be an issue.  

      So I opened my bag and I reached from my Poetic Justice. At first, I felt hesitant to execute the plan of throwing years of poetic work into a cold sea. But quickly I shook off such thoughts and I reminded myself that a sea such as the Red Sea is meant to preserve history and I wanted to contribute to that history my sharing with it my life experiences – documented through poetic work – so in one motion, I threw years of poetic work into the water. And there it floated, helplessly…in historic water, as my sight fixed its laser onto its every motion. I stood there alone, knowing that I had invested so much emotions and time into writing and in a matter of seconds, everything that I had done and worked for, gone. Then I remembered Allah. I remembered that while all my actions – both good and bad – can be forgotten by the ones I did good and bad towards, Allah never forgets. So I became shy of recalling some of the things that I done, and connecting it back to the fact that Allah has not forgotten those actions, even though it may have escaped my memory for a time. And I noticed when I become shy in the sight of Allah, I usually sit down – in order to lower myself in the sight of Allah. So I sat down, on a rough edged rock and I started thinking. And those thoughts led to more thoughts. Thoughts after thoughts. And in the midst of all those thoughts, my Poetic Justice was taken by the sea that saved Musa and Bani Israel, and it was no longer in sight. I starred off into the sea, missing my Poetic Justice. I started recalling the poetic verses I created through a rollercoaster of emotions, and never knowing whether I will have the opportunity to experience such emotions again – which would allow my poetic voice to speak. See, the thing about poetry is, it’s not the verses within themselves that make great poetry but rather the experiences that create the foundation for great poetic work. That is why poets existed in every generation because human experiences – sadness, happiness, love, hate, fear, etc – can be experienced regardless of the historical time. And I realized what I was truly missing wasn’t the poetic verses that I had written but rather the experiences that led me to document them into my Poetic Justice. And every time I read my Poetic Justice, the experience that I focused on (ie, love) became fresh but then I realized, regardless of whether those words were physically present or not, those experiences will always be a part of me.  At that moment I learned something very important…but that is a blog for another time.

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12 Responses

  1. Yes..that is truly a blog for another time 🙂

  2. *shockedddd!!* you didn’t!

  3. I did! Yes, I did. (alhamdulilah)

  4. i understand its therepeutic and stuff.but believe me theres days you gonna miss those words on paper,etchings of tears and smiles…but yeah alhamdullilah.a mans gotta move on.i guess

  5. Ever thought that you were meant to do that? Whatever you wrote in those books had a connection to your past and in entrusting it to the Red Sea, you subconsciously are letting go of the past. Perhaps i am reading too much into it but I am sure you have yet to experience and more to write thus rejoice.

  6. Assalam!

    I dont think I threw my work into the water in order to let go of my past (because my past experiences have made me the man I am today alhamdulilah) but rather, its a way for me to start a new beginning. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. Besides, at this stage in my life…I’m sure I’ll have more experiences to write about in the future. So yes, I will rejoice, inshAllah.

  7. Let go of past……. start anew? Is there a difference akhi? The continuos thread is broken in both cases.

  8. I guess I’m different, in the sense that when I feel like I’m entering a different stage in life, I like to keep my eyes forward on whats ahead of me and maybe thats the true reason why I threw away my books. I know it might not make any sense and maybe there is no really difference but next time I shop for a new Poetic Justice notebook, I can have that fresh feeling of opening a new book, flipping to a fresh page and writing about something new. But regardless of what I say…I do miss all of those experiences I documented in my pervious Poetic Justice. Do you think though..if I return to the Red Sea and ask for my notebooks back, it will return them to me? Maybe I can get a refund? Maybe.

  9. Eh? I guess if it gave back Musa (AS) to his mom then your books should be a problem. I hope you believe in miracles though.

    When I read your post though for some odd reason I kept picturing someone else finding your books and finding solace in them. Would you like that?

  10. No. Since I like my privacy, I probably wouldnt like that. On second though, since my name is not writen on those books, sure..I hope someone does find those books.

  11. my brother decided to burn all his old notebooks just yesterday and i go but how can you throw all these out,what. seven years of work?and i sort through them and find his first hifdh record book and convinced him that his got to keep it to show his children.i guess i need to take a page outta your book and purge my own books…letting go is so hard

  12. That was brave.

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