The Fever of Marriage finally GONE! March 26, 2008

Have you noticed that recently there hasnt been much talk about marriage? 

I haven’t heard many brothers complaining about “oh, its so so hard to find a decent sister these days..” or the best line of them all, “Yo..I’m saying though…I look in the mirror everyday and I see a good MashAllah brother so how come these sisters cant see the same thing..?” (makes me laugh every time). In fact, I haven’t heard much about marriage at all. So the question that comes to mind is, have we survived the fever? Was marriage just a cloud floating over our heads while we waited patiently as to how much rain would pour down from its foundation?

Well..personally, I guess since Im not married, I most of some how survived the storm of marriage. Many of my boys got married and some are happy while others are going through the growing pains (which is normal) but myself, well…I’m just doing me. Counting the stars, going where I go, doing what I do (whatever that means). 

Its like, I take so many trips from Toronto to Ottawa and I think the main purpose of such trips is to change my environment for a bit. I notice in Toronto, I hear (or use to hear) brothers talking about “getting hitched”, however in Ottawa, its a different story. Or to be fair, not as much talk about “entering that stage of life”. Maybe its just my Ottawa crowd or maybe its their level of patience when it comes to that issue. It seems like in Toronto, many of the sisters want to get married and are making that known but that’s not really the feeling I get when I take my countless trips to the Nations Capital. However, for the record, I’m sure there are plenty of women in Ottawa that wanna get married but understandably, I wouldn’t really know that. 

The most amazing growing pain I’ve had with the issue of marriage is my experience. I’ve gone through the different stages from meeting a sister (the proper way) to taking the issue to the highest court within the family fold. I’ve experienced it all and after all of that, I’ve watched myself grow from a boy who didn’t know much to a man who is confident and grateful for his situation. Alhamdulilah, I’m alive and I believe in Allah. What else can I ask for?    

Foolishly, the other night, I recalled an ayaat from Surah Ibrahim in where Allah declares that if we were to make the efforts to thank Him for all His blessings, never would we be able to do that…and there I sat at my work place ignorantly, trying to thank Allah for everything I could remember. But my memory served little benefit when it came down to recalling all the kindness and mercy my Lord has showered upon me. Instead, I grew in shame and I wisphered in a low voice to myself, “my lord, forgive me for my lack of gratitude”. Indeed, I am ashamed and I seek His forgiveness.

Just today, I revisited the Almaghrib forums for the first time in several months and I came across a thread in which a sister titled “10 reasons NOT to get married” (what a catchy title if you ask me 🙂 ). Needless to say, it was an interesting thread. The first point she made was “Single means you can eat, sleep, study, work, go out to the park when ever you want” and I reflected on this one point for a while. So I pictured myself, single, having the freedom to eat, sleep, study and visit the part as I wish.

I mean just think about it. If I was single, then I don’t think I would have any problems in accomplishing those things but what about, if my situation was different…I mean, lets change my status from being “single” to “married”, how much would my lifestyle really change? If I was married, wouldn’t I be able to eat? Maybe? Perhaps? Or I would think the answer would be YES! I would definitely be eating homie. In fact, I would probably be exposed to different types of food. Maybe she would cook for me and that would be nice? *laughs at “maybe” lool*

Now the issue of sleep which is one that can be debated. I mean, sleeping in a bed by yourself is different than sharing a bed with someone. Which reminds me to remind all of those who are soon to get married, if you gonna buy a blanket or a comforter, buy a size that is BIG enough to hold four people because there is nothing worse than having to play tug and war with your newly ordained life partner. I’m serious. Buy it and avoid 18% of problems that started in the bedroom and grew to become one of great concern. Be proactive rather then reactive. Now seriously, the issue of sleep can be quite tricky because unlike being single, when you’re married, you actully have some duties that you might or might not be comfortable with. Such as, listening to your spouse. Their concerns, worries, reflections of certain situations and so on and so forth that occurred throughout their day. So maybe that 9 and half hour sleep that you were use to growing up, will get reduced to …lets say….6 hours or maybe if you lucky, 7. And Allah knows best. So to that sister who stated this issue, you have stated a thoughtful point so may Allah reward you.  

As for studying, lets never forget, two brains will always be better than one (some times its hard to believe but its true 🙂 ) Although one person will only be allowed to take the test, your spouse is there to help and be a source of support during those moments when studying seems like a punishment sent down from above the heavens. Studying would be a positive in my book if one was married rather than studying when you’re single.

Regarding the issue of work, maybe there is a slight concern. That’s a slim, maybe. Thinking about it,  if a brother was to work 12 hours a day for  like 6 days a week,  he would probably be spending way too much time away from home and perhaps that would translate to become an issue over an extending period of time. Likewise, if the woman was the one working such heavy hours, that would also be an issue…so what to do? Ummm…. I cant really say cause every situation is different and maybe some sisters wouldn’t care if homeboy pulled some heavy hours.

Next issue, going to the park HA! That one made me laugh (but in a good way). Since I dont really visit the park that much so I cant really say… 🙂 Although I would think, having company while chilling back on a bench starring into the fresh grass and the beautiful trees would be more pleasing to the soul than having to take that experience in while you stand all alone. At the end, I really don’t  know the difference between the two lifestyles rather than allowing my imagination to run wild with some issues.

So now that the fever of marriage is out of sight, I can finally run and grab my newly purchased Air Max and my basketball to shoot some hoops. I can stand at the top of the key and focus on making the shot rather than having to worry about a strong breeze over-powering me. This time around, I wont have to fear about catching the fever. 

For The Love of the Game January 7, 2008

The common misunderstanding between a sport loving husband and the attention seeking wife can occur at any given moment. But since its the NFL playoff season, I had an extra few married homeboys, call to inquire whether they could “come over” because (as they like to say…) “you know, you know…”. I decided since it seems to me that they want to come over to my “wife-less” environment, in order to watch the big game in peace, I would share an episode of a situation that is relevant to theirs. An episode from the life of a sport-fanatic husband and the “I need you right NOW” wife.

The wife returns home from visiting a friend and she can not wait until she arrives home, to inform her husband about the new “community project” her and some sisters have decided to pursue. 

Lets pick up the screen from the wife walking into the house while her husband is watching the fourth quarter of a 17-17 NFL playoff game. 

Wife:Assalam alaikum…(no response back, she repeats herself and says)Assalam alaikum, is anyone home? (as she takes off her shoes and hangs her coat)

(Still no response. She decides to walk further into their apartment and she spots her husband sitting two feet away from the television, with his eyes glued to the screen)

Wife:Baby, didn’t you hear me saying Assalam alaikum..?

 (Husband hears some unusual noise, glances over to his left and notices his wife standing in their living room)

Husband: Hey you, when did you get home? I thought you were out visiting some friends? (his words reaching her ears as his eyes are still focued on the television screen)

Wife:I’ve been saying assalam alaikum ever since I got home. Didn’t you hear me…?

Husband:Wa alaikum assalam. I didn’t hear you come in. I just looked over at your direction and saw you standing there. But baby come here and look at this…(he points to the television screen) its 17-17 with 5:36 seconds left in the game and my favourite team, The New York Giants are on the 11 yard line and their about to score a HUGE touchdown. Can you smell that…? Can you..?

Wife: Smell what?

Husband: That’s the smell of a win…a playoff WIN.

Wife: Oh. Listen baby, I have some good news. Me and some sister, we’ve decided that…

Husband: That’s great. I’m so happy for you and the sisters. (He obviously didn’t hear a word she said…)

(So the wife trying to get his attention walks closer to the television until she finds herself standing next to the screen. She tries again, to deliever her good news)

Wife: As I was saying before you cut me off, some sisters and I, we’ve decided to start a new community project. We are gonna start a Feed The Homeless project, isnt that great? And the best apart is…you can help.

Husband:OH NOOOO! NOOOOOOO! I cant believe it.

Wife: Huh? No? Why…I thought you liked stuff like that…

Husband: For the love of the game! Can you believe this…?

Wife: Believe what? What are you talking about…? Don’t tell me that your talking about your game?

Husband:Its not a game. Its a historical playoff moment. By watching this game, I’m joining the ranks of history. Can you imagine our son asking about this exact play, 15 years from now? And just imagine how devastated he would be if I were to answer his question with silence. But look baby, the running back or should I say, Mr. Butter-Fingers, fumbled the ball on the two yard line. I feel like a part of Jannah has just fallen on me.

(The telephone starts to ring…)

Husband:Baby, can you get that. I’m afraid if I get up, I’m gonna miss a huge play and evenually, our son will lose out.

(Wife walks towards the telephone. Picks up the phone and says..)

Wife:Assalam alaikum

Ahmed:Wa alaikum assalam sister, is Mohamed home?

Wife:Yes, just one second inshAllah…

(Her husband screaming in the background about a bad call, she kindly takes the phone to him and says)

Wife: Mohamed, Ahmed is on the phone for you.

Husband: Thanks. (Puts the phone to his ear)Assalam alaikum, State your name and the purpose of this call.

Ahmed: Yo, did you just see how Butter-Finger Jacobs couldn’t even hold on to the ball. He fumbled it. (he starts laughing…) The man is like 6’4, 250 pounds and he cant even hold on to a ball. The Giants suck…

Husband: I know..I know…I almost fainted when the ball fell from his hands.

Ahmed: I told you. The Giants are gonna lose this game.

(The wife standing over her husband, awaiting her chance to reveal some more information about the good news. She says..)

Wife: Mohamed (and gives him a “I’m growing frustrated with you” look)

(Her husband glances over at her and he notices the “look. She normally demonstrates this type of look on her face when she is growing upset with him. Trying to avoid further problems, he says…)

Husband: Yo Ahmed, all your negativity about the Giants isn’t helping my situation at the moment so I’m gonna let you go. I got a meeting with the boss-lady and I cant afford to be late.

Ahmed:Alright homie, boss-lady is gonna kill you if you don’t hang up the phone..so ma’salaam

(Husband hangs up the phone and notices his wife standing in front of the television)

Husband: Baby, you had a long day..why don’t you come sit right here on the couch. It would really make me feel nice to have you beside me…

Wife: No thank you.

(husband re-adjusts his positioning to get a better view of the game…but experiences little success)

Husband: Baby, for the sake of Allah can you just move three inches to your right. There is less than two minutes left in the game…

Wife: I’ve rushed home to share some news with you but ever since I got home…you’ve paid little to no attention to me. I’m not moving until you give me five minutes of your time.

(The husband realizes he’s in a tight situation. There is about 1:43 seconds left in the game and his wife is asking for five minutes of his time. The husband starts to do the math [Five minutes minus 1:43 seconds would mean that their conversation would continue for three minutes and fifty seven seconds after the game was complete] The math wasn’t looking too good but than again, he was never good in math. So he says,)

Husband: Five minutes? (trying to get her to move away from the television screen and closer to him, he recalls the solution he had used in the past, to solve such standoffs with his wife. He continues saying…) You only want five minutes of my time? How can that be when I have given you all my life and heart, on the day I married you? You are half my soul and I dont feel complete without you..(he notices movement from her body and he glances behind her. His words were causing her to move with joy and he could actually see the events of the game. He continues…) You are my better half. You are my love..so come to me.

(The wife, comforted through his words, starts to move closer to him. The husband can now see the scoreboard and the clock says less than one minute to play. But before his wife can reach him, she stops. She recalls pervious experiences when ever there would be a big game, he would find the means to walk away from the issue and become a free man. She was determined not to fall victim to the sweetness of his words on this occasion.)

Wife: Baby, you claim you love me right? We both know everyone claims something…so do you truly love me?

(The husband feels a sense of success for his plotting, he turns his body towards her and grants her his undivided attention. Afterall, it was a commercial break.  He says)

Husband: Baby, how can you ask such a question? You know I love you.

Wife: Do you really love me?

Husband: (trying desperately to end the conversation on a positive note before the return of the game, he says…) My mind loves you. My body loves you….(than the voice of the commentator reaches his attention and he starts to stutter. His focus gets redirected towards the game) and my…my…loves you. I love you…(looking at the screen) Look, the Giants are about to score baby. Look…

Wife: Words are cheap. I need some reassurance that you love me…

Husband: Look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. As soon as the game is over, I’ll go outside and buy you the sweetest little card. One that has a fuzzy teddy bear on the cover and some pink roses. I know how much you love roses.

Wife: No. I have something else in mind. If you really love me than you will turn the television off and listen to me.

(His heart almost STOPS. He starts to realize the sensitivity of his situation. He finds himself entertaining some problem solving methods and solutions. Its like words will no longer do the trick. This time he needs something greater.  He thinks to himself, what would the Messenger of Allah (saw) do at this moment?)

Husband: If I really love you…? What does that mean..(trying to present more questions that would occupy his wife until the conclusion of the game)

Wife: Make a decision. And don’t try to distract me with all your questions. If you love me, turn off the television..if not then..well…

Husband: Well…what? I guess, I’ll have to sleep on the couch right?

(The husband reviews his options and decides he better make a good long-term decision. He gets up and starts to walk towards the television. He reaches the television and stretches his hand forward, in order to turn off the digital box right? Wrong. Instead of pressing the off button, he presses the “record” button and turns the television off. His game is still recording and the wife can get her wish.)

Husband: Baby, I would do anything for you. I would turn off the television during the Super Bowl, if you asked. And I would do that and more, for you. Only you.

Wife: Really? Than turn off the digital box.

(Husband shocked that she is aware of his slick move to record the rest of the game, he says…)

Husband: Baby, why do you have to hurt me soo much…WHY? You know how much I love this game…

My Fear of Marriage December 23, 2007

If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I promote marriage. I encourage it and speak out against those who dedicate their efforts to discourage others from taking such a fulfilling step closer to Allah. Since the Ramadan of 2005, I’ve been heavily campaigning for marriage, jumping from one circle of brothers to another, beautifying the idea of fulfilling half the deen.

The irony of my situation lies in the mere fact that, while I promote and encourage others to take this huge step closer to Allah, I have yet to act upon my own words. There seems to be a contradiction. I preach one thing while my actions show no support.

Which reminds of a story in the life time of Imam Maliik (in some narrations, it has been mentioned that this actually happened to Al-Hasan Al-Basri). There were many slaves that were under the care of the Muslims and so the leaders of his city asked Imam Maliik to speak about the reward of freeing a slave for the sake of Allah in his Friday Khutbah. So Imam Maliik agreed to encourage the believers to free their slaves, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, in one of his near future talks.

However, weeks pasted and Imam Maliik hadn’t mentioned the benefits of freeing the slave. So after many weeks, the leaders wanted to re-approach the Imam and remind him of their agreement.

But before such a meeting could occur, the Imam stood on the pulpit and dedicated his talk to freeing the slave. After the khutbah, many Muslims were so moved by his words that they started to free their slaves and the affects of his speech became apparent. Soon afterwards, the leaders approached Imam Maliik and inquired about the delay regarding the topic. The Imam stated that he didn’t own a slave to free so he disliked encouraging others while he, himself was unable to fulfill such words. So after gathering some wealth and purchasing a slave, he set him free. There after, the Imam stood on the pulpit and encouraged others to follow his actions. Due to his sincerity and the execution of his words, the fruits of his preaching became widespread in the community.

From this story, I learned so many lessons and among them, act upon what you preach.

However, with marriage its a little complicated so let me explain.

Some time ago, I was confused as to why I preach marriage and yet become so hesitant to fulfill such a step. Night after night, I would lay in my bed and reflect over my deepest feelings and beliefs towards the subject. I wouldn’t accept such answers as, “I’m still looking for that Ideal Muslimah so until I find her, I’m doing me”. Such an answer was too politically correct and if I was to accept it as an excuse, I wouldn’t be able to get to the root of my problem regarding marriage. Months literally passed and still, I had no answers as to why I was delaying marriage. Until one night, I allowed my soul to fully open up to me and through  that process I discovered the root of my problem. It made complete sense. It was not an excuse but it was the truth.

For the record, I believe marriage to be a means of success. Moreover, it is a vital step to protecting our iman and increasing our status in the sight of Allah. In addition to those points, I am shy to mention that zina is rampant in our communities. InshAllah I intend to shad some light on the issue of zina amongst the young generation of brothers because ignoring such problems wont lead to a solution. However such a topic is sensitive so I will carefully review my ideas and facts before posting on the subject.

As I was saying before I got side tracked with my next post, my discovery as to why I have been delaying marriage is acceptable? Well before it could be acceptable, let me share the reason.

The reason I’m delaying marriage is because I’m afraid of taking a woman under my responsibility. When I say responsibility, I don’t mean for dunya reasons. As for dunya matters, I can handle that responsibility inshAllah. My fear lies in the fact that I would become responsible for her akhira as she would have a huge impact on my status before Allah. The foundation of my fear of marriage is akhira and not the life of this world. I worry that my wife under my care, will become weak and lazy towards her duties to Allah. While I stand to her side encouraging her, day and night, but my words of support don’t lead to righteous actions. Mean time, what if Allah caused my heart to grow in love and fear of Him while my wife, the woman I took as a responsibility, falls behind in her worship. Regardless whether she would be in a strong state of iman or fighting to perform her five daily prayers on time, I could never (and I mean never) leave her behind. And how could I leave her behind when I accepted her as a responsibility. When I stood in front of her father like a man and looked him in the eyes, promising him that I would forever be committed to his daughter. That I would never abandon her, whether we get tested with poverty or illness, she will always be my wife and I would be to her a protector, a provider and the companion who shall accompany her on the long journey to meet Allah.  

Through marriage, I would forever remain committed to her and for that reason, I fear my passion to fulfill a commitment will destroy me.

Does the reason I stated above make any sense? Maybe the English language doesn’t bring justice to the situation I described above.

Honestly, as for dunya, I really don’t spend too much time stressing myself over this life. And why should I burden myself with stress when my risq has already been written and the moment of my departure from this world is but recorded?

Some time ago, a sister got into contact with me and stated her interest in marriage. She was shy to take such a step initally but I comforted her with kind words. Her bravery was impressive and she reminded me of those women who used to support the Messenger of Allah (saw) during his battles and so accepted her invitation to get to know each other for marriage reasons. Thereafter the correct individuals were notified and the process began. In one of our conversations in getting to know each other, she asked me a tricky question. She said, “is there anything that you would like to tell me or ask me?” I was amazed at the question due to the fact that in college, I took a class called Interviewing and Investigations which taught me all about open-ended questions and her question was living proof of the examples my professors would describe to us. However I couldn’t recall the methods on how to escape from such questions that the professors taught us, so instead I answered it with sincerity and requested something from her. She inquired about my request and I said to her, “If it turns out that we should marry and only Allah knows, could you do me a favor?” She responded, “sure, what is it that you request?” I said, “If we get married, I promise you one thing and I ask of you one-thing”. So I continued, “I promise you that I will forever be committed to you. I will assist you and support you. Regardless of prosperity or adversity, I will be your companion in this world and in the next”

Now that was the promise I made her but such a promise needs a condition. So I continued and stated my request. I said to her, “I ask you for one thing in return. I ask for your assistance in my entrance into Junnah”

In other words, I would strive and pull down the greatest mountains with my bare hands if need be, in exchange, all I wanted from her was to be reminded of Allah and some encouragement to DO MORE  righteous acts, in order for my worship to reach that next level. In the end, I fear I’ll end up married to a sister who is so occupied with this world, it would not only destroy her, but also our children.

And Allah knows best